The Science Advice Goddess: February 11, 2021 – River Cities Reader

Stare Way to Heaven

Im a girl in my early 20s, and I recently started dating a guy I met in college. Im very happy, except for one issue: For as long as Ive known him, hes followed Instagram accounts of attractive women with provocative photos (ranging from half-naked to entirely naked), and hell like these pics. This really bothers me; however, I dont want to be the overbearing girlfriend. Why does he do this, and does it matter?

Disturbed

Theres a certain kind of man whos drawn to the sight of half-naked pert breasts, and its the kind whose eyes have yet to be plucked out by crows.

This does not change when a man is in a relationship, even if he really, really loves the woman hes with. But many women believe that the eyes of a man in love wouldnt wander up and down other women and that being in a relationship should limit where eyeballs are allowed to travel: basically, you cant have your cake and look at other cake, too.

Men have perhaps 15 to 20 times the testosterone women do, and this seems to play a major role in how visually powered male sexuality is. An episode of NPRs This American Life featured Griffin Hansbury, who was born female and lived as a lesbian and then underwent sex-reassignment surgery. Transitioning began with testosterone injections. Before starting testosterone, Hansbury would see a woman on the subway and think: She's attractive. I'd like to meet her. What's that book she's reading? With the testosterone injections, even noticing nice ankles on a woman flooded Hansburys mind with aggressive pornographic images. ... It was like ... a pornographic movie house in my mind. And I couldn't turn it off.

Its important to note that Hansbury overdid it on the testosterone injections at first, giving himself two to seven times the testosterone of the average male. So the 24-hour porno mind Hansbury describes is probably seriously extreme compared with what goes through your boyfriends mind. However, a general idea of what men experience points to why strip clubs for men are big business, while the few strip clubs for women are funny business: places they go not to get turned on but to haze a bride-to-be, laughing in her face at the giant flashing plastic vagina hat theyve made her wear.

Ask a man why he eye-humps a woman, and if hes honest, hell tell you its because shes hot. But theres an underlying (subconscious) reason: Evolution makes me do it. Because men only get pregnant in womens revenge fantasies, they evolved not to seek committed providers as partners as women do, but to prioritize physical attractiveness. We all like a nice view, but theres more to this preference than aesthetics. The features men find beautiful in women youth, smooth skin, pillowy lips, neotenous (aka childlike) features such as big eyes, and an hourglass figure are correlated with fertility and health. In other words, men evolved to be drawn to women who look like really great candidates for passing on their genes.

Mens brains motivate them to stare at sexual eye candy in ways womens brains do not. In brain-imaging research by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Hans C. Breiter and his colleagues, heterosexual men viewing attractive female faces showed increased activation in the brains reward regions: areas involved in the anticipation of reward (also activated by food, drugs, and money). The message to the man: Thats rewarding! Go get it!

The good news is we are not mental robots who are slaves to our urges. In most men, the brains Go get it! message simply leads to more looking, not nooners with the hot-erellas of Instagram. Some women consider looking cheating, and they tell their partner hes not allowed to eyeball other women. Chances are this doesnt stop the looking; it just turns men into sneaks and liars and their partner into the enemy they have to keep secrets from. You dont say that when your boyfriends with you he goes rude and unloving: stops talking midsentence while his eyes hike up some underdressed womans boobs. So maybe you can use the strong biological and physiological basis of mens girl gawking to keep yourself from taking his Instagram sightseeing personally.

Consider that the guy set aside another strong evolved male preference the longing for sexual variety to be with you. In other words, being with you means a lot to him. Sure, he still spends time browsing in the online mall of naked and half-naked women, but browsing isnt buying. Assess whether he seems to be a good person, a person of character, and a guy who consistently shows you he loves you and has your back. If so, your best bet might be staying out of his browser history and recognizing that a little eye-humping doesnt mean there will be eye-penis coordination.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon: 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA, 90405. E-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com, visit @amyalkon on Twitter, and listen to Amy's weekly podcast at BlogTalkRadio.com/amyalkon.

Order Amy Alkon's book Unf---ology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts & Confidence (St. Martin's Griffin, 2018).

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The Science Advice Goddess: February 11, 2021 - River Cities Reader