“No, honey, it really is OK”

Oddly enough, sleep research often focuses on individuals, even though most people sleep with a partner, pet or small child. And as anyone who has shared a bed with another living, breathing, snoring, kicking, sighing being can attest, that matters.

As a sex researcher, Ive long found it curious that much of our research also focuses on individuals. There are good reasons for this (among others: concerns about biasing research by limiting it to partnered people; the expense of doubling sample size; challenges with data analyses; and difficulty recruiting and retaining partners). Yet, we need to understand the role of partners in peoples sexual experiences.

The need for such research is why I was thrilled to come across a recent study of men with premature ejaculation, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, in which the researchers also surveyed some of the mens partners. I was also happy to see this study for personal reasons, as I once dated a wonderful man who experienced PE, and the lessons it taught me about love, sex and how people feel about their bodies were important ones. First, lets talk about PE.

As you may suspect, PE is fairly common, experienced by about 20 to 30 percent of men at any given time.

PE is also subject to different definitions among scientists as well as laypersons. For example, some young men relatively inexperienced with sex and perhaps holding themselves up to standards of staying power seen only in porn think they have PE if they cant last 30 minutes during sex. When researchers put a time stamp on PE (and not all do), its often considered to be ejaculating within one or two minutes, without being able to control it.

But PE is and isnt a serious sexual problem.

In cultures that stress that sex should last a long time (how long is almost never specified) and that fail to teach women and men about human sexual response what to expect, whats common and how to focus on mutual pleasure PE is at the center of many personal and relationship problems. It doesnt have to be this way (again, there is nothing wrong with PE, per se) but it often is. Ive heard from numerous men who feel so ashamed that they come quickly during sex that it keeps them from initiating sex with people they feel attracted to. Some men worry so much about disappointing a potential partner that they give up entirely on sex or dating. Other times, the difficulty lies with the partners of men with PE, some of whom can grow sad, angry or resentful over how quickly the man ejaculates.

But how often do partners actually feel upset about men coming quickly during sex? And how often are men and their partners on the same page when it comes to how PE fits into their overall sex life?

Not often, as it turns out in this recent study of 461 men (ages 18 to 74) with PE and 80 of their (female) partners.

Lets start with distress. The researchers asked the men and their partners to report how much of a problem PE was on a scale of 1 to 7 (1 = not a problem at all; 7 = an enormous problem). None of the men rated it as a 1 or 2, though one out of 10 women did. At the other end of the scale, only 14 percent of women compared to 38 percent of men rated it as a 7 (an enormous problem). In short, women were far less distressed about how short a time or how long it took for their partner to ejaculate.

See the original post here:
“No, honey, it really is OK”