Anatomy of an apology – Richmond Register

By the time you read this, this will be old news and the nation will most likely have already moved on to the next outrageous thing.

However, as Im writing this, Kathy Griffin is making headlines.

Who is Kathy Griffin (and why should you care)? Shes a 56-year-old comedian and self-identified D-list celebrity known for being abrasive, brash, crude and sarcastic.

Most recently she made the national news when she posed for a photo, holding up the fake, but realistic, bloody decapitated head of President Donald Trump.

Immediately, she experienced widespread backlash, and even lost a number of jobs, including a longstanding gig on CNN as their New Year's Eve in Times Square co-host.

Within hours, and with two lawyers at her side, she gave a tearful press conference apologizing for her artistic statement, as she called it.

Although no one but God really knows a persons heart, its not a stretch to say her apology may not have been heartfelt. She quickly went from, I went too far...I sincerely apologize, to, It is Trump who should apologize...for being the most woman-hating and tyrannical president in history, among other accusations.

In other words: Im sorry, but.

Whenever someone says, Im sorry, but you can bet that theyre not sorry. They may be sorry they got caught and sorry their actions caused them to suffer consequences, but the but is the real message.

Im sorry, but you deserved it.

Im sorry, but you made me do it.

Im sorry, but youve done worse.

Im sorry, but Id do it again.

Im sorry, but youll be even more sorry when Im done with you.

Chances are youve heard that from someone or thought it about or said it to someone else.

Im sorry, but.

In the book, The Five Languages of Apology, authors Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas describe five languages or ways people deliver and/or accept apologies: expressing regret (Im sorry), accepting responsibility (I was wrong), making restitution (What can I do do make it right?), genuinely repenting (Ill try not to do that again) and asking for forgiveness.

Chapman and Thomas write that not every person who has been wronged needs to hear all five from the person who has hurt them, but that can be true. It depends on the nature of the wrong, the damage it has caused and the individual emotional needs to the wronged person.

As an aside, the book includes a quiz to determine your language. Mine came out equally as expressing regret and accepting responsibility. So, if you wrong me in the future, I need you to own what you did and express true regret.

A gift card to Ulta or Panera is also acceptable.

The authors said the one universal aspect of an apology is that it cant contain a but. A person needs to take full responsibility, blame only him- or herself.

In a perfect world, there would be no need for apologies, Chapman and Thomas write. But because the world is imperfect, we cannot survive without them...Something within us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoing has fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is often more potent than the desire for justice, and the more intimate the relationship, the deeper the desire for reconciliation.

They go on to write, The need for apologies permeates all human relationships, and that without apologies, anger builds.

In the 1970 movie Love Story, after Oliver tells Jenny, Im sorry, Jenny replies, Love means never having to say youre sorry.

However, thats not only impossible for flawed humans, but its also not true. In fact, the opposite is true: Real love is humble enough to admit ones wrongs. Real love apologizes without a but and real love offers forgiveness in return.

Jesus told his followers: If you are about to place your gift on the altar and remember that someone is angry with you, leave your gift there.Make peace with that person, then come back and offer your gift to God (Matthew 5:23-24).

Is there someone you need to apologize to?

Ill pray for you, that God will give you the courage and the grace, the right timing and the best words to do it.

Even though doing the right thing is often difficult, its always good for the soul -- no if, ands or buts about it.

Nancy Kennedy is the author of Move Over, Victoria - I Know the Real Secret, Girl on a Swing, and her latest book, Lipstick Grace. She can be reached at 352-564-2927 or via email at nkennedy@chronicleonline.com.

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Anatomy of an apology - Richmond Register